Please stop worrying about me for, now, I own a dog

To whom it may concern,
I must insist that you stop worrying over my mental health. You see, I now own a dog.

Yes, several people saw me run out of my best friend’s most recent birthday party in tears. And, as everyone knows, before I burst into tears I boomeranged a bowl of popcorn out of a second story window while shouting “They’ll take your bones! They will!” And, as everyone also knows, I am uninsured and have gone cold turkey off my medication. And, yes, this prompted some concern amongst certain people (notably Sandra but she’s incredibly nosy). But I am writing because I wanted to let you know that you do not need to worry any longer for I now own a dog.

Has anyone with mental health issues ever owned a dog? Some say “no”! Did you know Marie Antoinette owned a dog? Case closed! Some say that you cannot even engage in suicidal ideation once you own a dog, even if you aren’t on your medication. Dogs are, essentially, the opposite of suicide. If this were a SAT question? Dogs:suicide::Minding her own business:Sandra.

A dog is the first step on the pathway to running and hiking and juicing and good health. Do you know I Googled “spin classes” yesterday? That’s one step away from attending a spin class. And taking a spin class is one step away from getting a well-paid position in a marketing department for a startup that sells Bluetooth-enabled coffee mugs. So, right now I may not have the money for any of those things, but I do own a dog so it is only a matter of time.

Everyone can stop calling and texting with their so-called welfare checks because I have a dog now. Ignore all tweets about inner turmoil because I have a dog who is part bull terrier and definitely named Ernie. No one who owns a bull terrier is even close to being in trouble, emotionally or otherwise. I’ve heard that in some states, you can put up your bull terrier as collateral on your mortgage application because they are owned by only the most well- adjusted in society. Taylor Swift owns a bull terrier and she is known for being profoundly adjusted!

A lot of people are concerned the I’ve been “spending days in bed” but–people!–I own a dog. I get out of bed at least three times a day which is more than a person who never gets out of bed does! It is like Sandra doesn’t even know the basics of dog ownership.

People (except Sandra, who worked on the Romney campaign) have been saying I wouldn’t even need to write this letter if we had universal healthcare. But I say: who needs universal healthcare when every financially insecure thirtysomething can go get a dog? Have you ever thought about that? Maybe if you went out an rescued a dog, you’d understand. But you haven’t, so you don’t. Selfish.

I just feel like you, my friends, family, and Sandra, aren’t acknowledging the truth of the situation. If I were in sincere mental health distress — which, despite all the crying and that series of 3AM tweets, I am NOT! — I would never have gotten a dog at all. I would have gotten a week’s worth of prosciutto sandwiches or a winter coat. But I have not eaten prosciutto in over two years. And I no longer believe in the concept of winter, so I don’t even need a coat for that.

Getting a dog is not something you just do, you know! I certainly didn’t panic one night, cut myself some emergency bangs, and then go out the next day and get a dog. I certainly didn’t watch a marathon of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, decide Guy Fieri is the most genuine

individual I’ve ever seen committed to the small screen, and then drive by a animal shelter and just get a dog.

I will say: it’d shock you (not Sandra — she works for GlaxoSmithKline) to realize the reasonable price and ease of dog adoption compared to that of, say, getting a doctor’s appointment while uninsured and then acquiring medication.

I am a dog owner, one of the most responsible breeds of broke people in their thirties! Who do you think is doing well? Me, you, or Sandra? It’s me. I’m the dog owner. Thank you for all your concern but it is not necessary since I am now in possession of a dog.

Yours truly,
A mentally sound dog owner